Hi friends. I am posting this because it is life right now.....
Lately Tariku has been doing well for the most part. He still throws tantrums but they are MUCH less aggressive and come every couple days instead of hours. He is no longer in diapers - THANK YOU sweet Jesus! And yet we are still struggling here. Correction, I am struggling.
It is crazy the emotional rollar-coaster your body endures from an adoption. Rollar- coaster doesn't even explain the highs and the lows. When we came home with Tariku my brain forgot to get off the adventure ride with my body; it is still going up and down just for fun.
When Tariku came home broken and afraid we knew we had to be the ones to rebuild him with the help of the Lord. The thing is I didn't know God was going to break me down as well and rebuild me along side my little boy. But that is what is happening.
For the past few weeks life here has been hard. My emotions are all over the place and if we tracked them it might look like a scene from six flags. There are times when everything in the world seems fine. When the kids are helping each other, when they are being kind, when they help me, when they say "please & thank you", when we go for walks, and I enjoy being around them.
Then there are times when I get so mad so fast, and my rage cuts their wounds deep. I yell, I scream, I egg them on. And there are times of high anxiety in my life. I get anxious and stressed out going to the store, to church, to play-dates, to the park. I get judgmental and blame others. All of these things together strip me raw and my raw self is ugly. Ugly, selfish, mean, bitter & angry.
After the rage I am left crushed. Crushed that I hurt kids who don't deserve it. Crushed that I didn't control my anger. Crushed that I am putting a lot of this on Aaron's shoulders. I am left feeling like I am not Christian enough for this job. Left feeling like I have no faith at all; because if I did I wouldn't be feeling like this. Left feeling like I can't do this. Left feeling like Jesus picked the wrong person for the job....even though I know He showed us clearly that I am the person He wanted. Left feeling like I am not a good wife, not a good mom. I feel like I am letting so many people down. And I am Defeated.
Knowing that I needed help but not knowing what to do I cried a lot. To God. To Aaron. To my best friend. And lastly to the doctor. And we all agreed that I need something to help get my emotions back on track so this cart, carrying precious cargo, doesn't totally derail.
There were many things stacked against me that brought this on. Older child adoption. Adopting out of birth order. Having a family history. Having postpartum before. Having three kids in three years. The truth is I saw this coming long before Tariku came home.....predicting it might happen I told my Mandie to call me out on it if I went crazy. I am so thankful she did and I am thankful she told me to get help and that it was ok.
I have to do this - I have to change. To focus on my attitude being Christ-like. My children don't deserve a mom who gets whacked out over little things like turning the water on a tad too much when washing hands. Tariku doesn't deserve getting the brunt of my anger and selfishness when the world has already dealt him a rough hand. It is not fair to any of them to have a selfish mom. So I need to change.
Jesus knew what he was doing in stripping me down to my raw self and I have a lot of junk He wants to rid me of. I see it and am daily asking Him to take it away forever. When I hand issues over to Him then He can rebuild me. He knows I can do this and tells me often....and I believe Him when He says it will be beautiful when it's done. I believe whole heartedly that He can rebuild me into the woman He wants me to be. I believe it, I do.
And I believe He brought Tariku into my life to help me see it a little more clearly..... so that I could no longer hide it inside, but release it to God himself.
...so here we are two broken hearts in a big world waiting for the Lord to rebuild us. Leaning on Him and those around us and trusting that these ashes of pain will one day bring such beauty.