.through the storm. Yesterday was one of the hardest "waiting" days I have had thus far. Probably the hardest since the three painful weeks of waiting for our agency to decide if we were the little ones family or if he would go to live somewhere else. It started as the kids opened their St. Nick presents and then their brothers since he would not get to open them.....well, to be totally honest, it started when I bought 4 candy bars at the store for the stockings instead of 5. My mind then lead me down a spiraling path thinking he will not be here for Christmas, or the New Year, and we already missed his Birthday.
It is overwhelming the amount of pain that can come with missing someone you don't even know yet. I know him by his pictures, and thankfully we have many to look through, but we don't know him yet. The longing to go meet him is increasing daily and harder to shake then it first was. This waiting is hard.
As we wait I know we are waiting for God's perfect timing, and it will be perfect, but I also think the Lord wants us to learn from it. What he wants me to learn is very hard to recognize during days like yesterday and sometimes I just wish he would slap me in the face with His lesson. Some days I think God is giving us extra time so that we can financially get situated before we go. Some days I think He wants our children to be a little older so that the transition is easier on everyone (and so that our daughter will be fully potty trained - this could have also been why yesterday was extremely hard). Some days I think he wants me to get over the fear of adoption - yes the fear....I am terrified for the transition of this little guy. Some days I think He wants us to lean on Him more and learn to just trust. Most of the time it is a combination of things that I just want to plow through and say, "yes I get it, I have learned them" and then move on.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed with the fact that the Lord wants us to trust him more. It has become a recurring theme in this adoption and I get the feeling that is what the Lord wants us to do. As I was doing Bible time with the kids yesterday I, again, saw this and felt God saying, "trust me". We were reading the story of Jesus and his disciples crossing the stormy lake found in Matthew, Mark & Luke. Do you know what Jesus said when the disciples woke him up? He said, "Why are you afraid? Where is your faith?" As I relate that story to my life I can see myself praying to the Lord with me saying, "where are you? I need you right now!" And the Lord is answering back, "Dez, where is your faith? I am right here in this storm with you..... in this process. I will continue to be ~ ALWAYS".
We have seen the Lord in our adoption process with us. We know He is here with us on the good days and the hard ones. He has, thus far, given us an overabundance of peace - and most of our days on this sea have been calm. Every now and then a storm blows in, but even on those rocky tough days He has shown up and been there. And he will continue to be.
Whatever storm you are facing today, I want you to know that the Lord is with you. He is holding your hand and carrying you. You might not be able to see His presence or feel it - But He Is There With You! Today I am praying for you & ask that you pray for us too. Thank you friends. .through the storm.