Wednesday, March 2, 2011

.just thinking.

.just thinking.

Dear little ones,
 I am missing you & I don't even know you.  We haven't yet officially begun the process of adoption and I want you home.... playing with your sister & laughing with your brother.  How can this be?  We have decided to adopt siblings and are about 90% sure that we will.  Which means unless your twins, one of you is probably born.  How are you?  Where are you?  Are you safe?  Are you cared for?  Are you alone.... it hurts to think about if you are....... 
  There are about a million questions that come through my mind daily and I wonder if your alright.  I wonder if your birth mom and dad are ok.... or if they are like the millions struggling to get by in the African sun.  Do you look up at the moon and stars and think about a forever family?  Like I think about you.  
  I also think about if your growing in your birth mama.  Is she getting enough to eat?  Are you developing like you should?  Does she know she is pregnant?  Is she happy or worried?  What is she thinking?  Is she scared?  Does she know she holds someone very, very special?  So many questions are developing about you and some days my brain cannot even process it all.  All I know for sure is that I love you, we love you, and most of all God loves you.  And He is holding you.  Like He is me.
  We love you little ones.... -mom

  I know this journey will be hard.  I have told myself to expect that.  It will be a roller coaster, I know.  I have been warned.  I guess I just didn't expect the emotions to be flying before we even officially started.  I thought I would have myself fully together until I saw the picture of my little ones.... or at least got our dossier in.  This is not the case and I am constantly feeling like part of our family is missing..... because it is.  I love my children and am grateful that they keep me busy as we anticipate starting the process.  I am grateful for them period.  I love them so much!  But, I still think about the rest of our family and I pray that they are alright.  I pray their family is safe.  I pray their not alone.

  I think about how God holds us all and I know they too are in his hands, just as I am.  I know He is holding them & He loves them more then I do.  I know this - but it is hard to accept it.  I know that I can fall into His arms when I think about them and worry and I need to turn to Him more.  I am glad that God will always be there to catch me when I am down.  It is the start of a long road and I am filled with gratitude that the Lord is there guiding our way.  Picking me up when I fall....

.... a few ramblings as we think about our little ones across the globe.
.just thinking.

No comments: